


the same, but happier

by Elvent



Category: Shiki (Anime & Manga), Shiki - Ono Fuyumi
Genre: Also drama, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, I may as well write harlequin I guess, I won't have everyone depressed in early 2k19, M/M, Seishin is for once not depressed, Tohru is 20 in the novel and that's what I'm using, a little bit of snuggle session, a little homophobia but not from any of the characters you know, also pretty corny, minor OCs - Freeform, my attempt at humor, sorry if this is lame, this one is conversation heavy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-13
Packaged: 2019-10-09 07:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17402345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvent/pseuds/Elvent
Summary: A happier summer in Sotoba.





	the same, but happier

It was summer and Muroi Seishin would be turning 34 years old in no time. In retrospect, with that turn of age came a change in his home; everyone had finally approached him in a way that they hesitated to do for about a decade, deciding that they no longer needed to uphold status quo.

Seishin was patient. He was nothing if not patient first, though he did deflect from the now explicit pressures at any given time. His mind was set, though he was still lost as to how to communicate it to the rest of the family. Unfortunately, it was as if everyone could see right through him and were trying their damnedest to stop him. But he was still patient.

On a fine July afternoon, his bedridden father had finally had enough and summoned him to his bedside. 

“You will, meet this woman.” Muroi Shinmei pointed shakily at the photo Miwako presented him, inflecting on the word woman with all the energy he could muster.

Seishin deflated a bit, while something in him snapped at the sight of his own ill father holding himself hostage just to get his son a wife. He took several meditative breaths while taking the photograph, which had a small resume containing short information like the name, age, and affiliation temple of the woman attached to it. Seishin’s impression was as if they were a company in the process of hiring an employee.

She was a fair, fine woman. Seishin had actually never thought one bit that women were not fine, but there was a difference between finding something aesthetically pleasing and being actively interested in it. His interest lie somewhere else although admittedly, even he questioned his own specific tastes regarding said broad interest.

“This is... Yamamura-san?”

Miwako knitted her brows at him, which was her version of scathing ‘just-accept-your-fate,-you-wayward-son’ look. “She is your second cousin, the only daughter of your uncle Hirofumi. You’ve meet her once when you were both children.”

Apparently even his own mother was holding herself hostage to this matter. 

Seishin let out a long (barely unheard) exhale. There was nothing he could do about it, and this was partly due to him constantly running without facing his own problems head on. Now he was stumbling into a dead end, finally caught by the people who had been chasing him – his own parents staring at him intently, demanding.

“...Yes. I will go meet her. What time and place will this be?”

Shinmei and Miwako shared a glance before Miwako spoke up again. “There is this restaurant a bit further than Mizobe, near Kagoshima. Mother will book a table for four on July 26 afternoon.”

“Four people?”

Miwako was feigning innocence. “That is true. Mother, you, your uncle Hirofumi and his daughter. That is how it’s usually done.”

You hear that, Shinmei had bellowed. “You will, not run away this time. This time you are going to get married!”

Seishin sighed.

***

That day was so hot everyone was convinced they were melting into a pile of goo. Realistically speaking it was heatstroke, but rather than the villagers dropping unconscious on the fields or roads it was Toshio smirking to himself.

The nurses looked at him suspiciously from the nurse station before turning to one another. Confusion was one of the symptoms of heatstroke after all. Nurse Yuki stopped her task and called out to him, “Doctor, are you al~right?” 

It was a while before Toshio shouted, “Hmm? I’m fine.” before hunching over and stifling a laugh once more.

The nurses began whispering. ‘Who flipped his switch? That’s definitely not normal.’

Yuki replied. ‘Isn’t it dehydration? I’ll just give him some drinks.’

Kiyomi pitched in. ‘That’s not it. He’s laughing like there’s something funny. He’s definitely plotting something.’

“He’s plotting what?” Toshio crept up suddenly behind them that they jolted at the same time. He wore the same giddy smile, which showed the faint lines around his mouth. “Are you gossiping about me? Such wise treatment of your time.”

Kiyomi huffed. “See? It isn’t dehydration.”

“I’m sweating so bad right now, though. It’s 37 degrees and the AC in the waiting room is just bad. I feel like toppling over just from standing.”

“Yeah, yeah, you want cold drinks. I’ll bring you some.”

“I want shaved ice, though.”

“...This is not a shop. We don’t have any. And what’s with you acting like a kid?”

Toshio tsked, though he still accepted the iced barley tea Kiyomi gave him with a wide grin. “What a bad service.”

At the sight of the still smirking Toshio, Yasuyo tried to reprimand him again. “We know you’re planning something. Whatever it is though, please don’t involve the villagers.”

“Such faith in me. So is it okay if it involves any of you?”

Kiyomi paled. “It’s not!”

“What about my Mom?”

“That might be a good idea,” Kiyomi said, to which she was quickly pinched by Yasuyo.

“Honestly, junior doctor has been friends with junior monk all your life. You could learn something or two from him, being a little more well behaved is a start.”

Toshio comically widened his eyes at her. “Seishin? You don’t know what he’s actually capable of. They say the quieter someone is, the more formidable they become. He’ll drop a disastrous bomb on you when you least expect it.”

***

At nighttime Megumi sneaked outside after dousing herself in mosquito repellant, all intending to complete an ongoing mission. The last time she did this she forgot to put on some that she was bitten all over through her short dress (all her fault), and Natsuno-kun just never tended to his garden that it was basically a forest and mosquito nest, ugh. Now she had to wear a pair of long jeans and a cardigan over her T-shirt but it just wasn’t as cute.

From her house in Shita Sotoba it took around five, eight minutes to get to Naka Sotoba and Natsuno-kun’s old house. His house was creepy though, mostly old woods and old lighting and overgrown bushes. They really didn’t suit her, but she bore all that uncomplainingly.

At half past ten her parents were already asleep and she successfully slipped outside without anyone scolding her. However – 

“Megumi-chan!!”

She nearly fell on her head hearing that shrill voice and the shrill bark of her ugly dog. Who even needed to take their dog out for a walk at this hour anyway? Kaori’s dog could wake up everyone in the village.

“Eh, Kaori…”

Kaori still wore her hideous braids and dressed really uncaringly for mosquitos with her T-shirt and knee-length pants. “It’s late. What are you doing out?”

Shouldn’t you ask yourself that? Megumi thought to herself but she was concentrating on avoiding being sniffed around by Love to voice that out. 

“What are you doooooing?”

“I’m only looking for a drink,” Megumi pointed at a vending machine not far from her street, but it was on the opposite direction of Natsuno-kun’s house. “Don’t follow me!!”

“Aw, why? But I’m thirsty too…”

Megumi let out a frustrated hiss. “You know, you should just go home and go to bed. It’s dangerous outside at night for you kids!”

“You’re also a kid, Megumi-chan. You’re only a year older than I am.”

“I’m in high school now so I’m more mature than you. Come on, go, you could get abducted if you’re alone outside at night!”

“Megumi-chan is ridiculous. Who’s gonna do that here?”

That attitude is precisely why this village is going to die someday, Megumi had thought. Someday outsiders will come in and annihilate you all! Megumi almost couldn’t wait. Or probably this village and Mizobe town would be merged with other surrounding towns into a bigger town, a more predictable death for rural Japan towns.

“What are you doing anyway? Can’t we go together? Love will love that.”

“Eehhh,” Megumi moaned, dragging out the ‘e’. “I have important business to take care of! You can’t follow me.”

“Is it your classmate, Yuuki-Koide-san?” Kaori scrunched her nose in distaste. “What’s so good about a guy like that anyway? All he does is scowling, being rude, and he’s so uncool anyway.”

“Natsuno-kun, uncool?” Megumi almost screamed in exasperation. “You’re a middle schooler, what do you even understand? I’m not speaking to you again!”

“That he obviously doesn’t like you back so why would you even continue admiring him from afar? Come on Megumi-chan.”

Megumi cringed as if someone had punched her in the gut. “Why would you say it like that? You’re supposed to cheer me on!”

“But that’s true! About time you move on, Megumi-chan. There are plenty of guys here, more suited for you than a city guy who wouldn’t even spare a second to notice you.”

***

July 22 had rolled out with five kinds of cicadas screaming at once. Villagers had tended to their fields with large hats and much less clothes on their bodies (except the women, of course). Natsuno dragged his reluctant feet and chased after tree or building shadows to step onto, feeling his back soaked already even though the day had barely started.

“It’s so noisy...”

He felt like a manga character being trapped in a perpetual summer setting. It wasn’t as intense where he came from, but here in Sotoba he felt like being surrounded from all directions by cicadas. No people, only cicadas. He could honestly make horror stories out of this.

Luckily for him, he spotted a familiar parked car. Said car owner, a tallish man in his early 20s was staggering outside the Murasako rice shop carrying two sacks of rice. Tohru then fumbled with his pockets to look for his keys, but they fell to the ground when he managed to catch them. “Waahh...”

Natsuno picked them up. “Drop me at Hirosawa shop, please.”

“You look like death warmed over. Out on an errand?”

One of them who had free hands unlocked the car doors. “Some woman decided it was too hot out and woke me up to pick up eggs. Eggs. Only eggs, all 30 of them I don’t know what she wants to use for.” 

“Same with me but with rice.”

“You eat rice everyday in every meal, so I get that it’s probably urgent.” Natsuno protested. “But eggs? You can not eat an egg a day and still be alive.” 

Tohru tsked. “We still have more than a half of a sack this big and she still told me to go buy more.”

“Mothers are like trolls.”

Natsuno climbed into the front passenger’s seat the moment the car was unlocked, but he immediately yelled: “Shit! The seat is scorching hot!”

Tohru was positively gleeful. “Natsuno, meets Summer.”

Utterly demoralized, Natsuno could only sag heavily in his seat as Tohru climbed into the car and started it. The man massaged his back and moaned loudly, trying to stretch but obviously couldn’t. “My backkk. Ow.”

“What an old man.”

Tohru took an offense in that. “What did you say? I’m only 20. That’s not old.”

“That’s five years older, so old. No 20 year olds out there have back problems like you.”

“What a cheeky brat, huh. This is only my not exercising.”

“So that’s why you’re getting fat? That’s the source of your back problems.”

Tohru stared at his friend and contemplated whether he wanted to laugh or kick him out of his car. “Nah, there’s no beating a child like you, and it’s too hot for petty arguments.”

Natsuno just hmph’d from where he was slumped on his seat but then he sat straighter, looking as if he suddenly regained strength. “I want to ask you, tho…”

“Girls at your school? Now that’s more like a teenager. High school is the time for that anyway, not only for studying so you can get into a university in the city. Eh, but I guess girls here would be nothing compared to the ones in the city.”

Natsuno made a face as if biting into something sour. “Eh.”

“Not that? Now, what could possibly be troubling Natsuno?”

This was totally not his area. Natsuno had always been a private person who preferred to keep everything to himself, but this time a certain thing had been bugging him greatly. Well, it was too hot so he blamed it on his lapse in judgment. “Supposing you were stalked by someone, what will you do?”

“Whoa, uh.” Tohru swerved to avoid a cat sleeping in the middle of the road. “Sorry. What?” 

Natsuno glared daggers at the older man for ignoring him. “Nope. Just forget it.”

“Are you sulking? Sorry, but there was a sleeping cat… what did you say about stalking?”

Natsuno weighed his options again. Everyone knew everyone else in this village, and while he knew the Mutous were not that close with Megumi’s family they still had to be familiar with each other. When you were familiar enough with someone you wouldn’t usually believe that they’d in fact done something borderline criminal. For a moment Natsuno felt alone then, still very much an outsider in this village, that he’d surely feel bitter if his friend chose another villager’s side over his in this matter.

“There’s this girl who’s been stalking me. I wonder what I should do to fend her off.”

His usually cheerful friend had surprisingly become somber. “Stalk how?”

“Staring at me from outside my window at night for a few hours at least? At least few days each week, for a few months already?”

Tohru cried, “You sure it isn’t a ghost!?”

Natsuno rolled his eyes. “You actually believe they exist? How stupid are you?”

“It’s a person? Who would have done something like that!? That’s very creepy.”

Natsuno let Tohru mumble things on his own before the man realized what that bit of information would mean. It took nearly a minute, but Tohru finally got there.

“Wait…” Natsuno could technically hear the gear in his mind grinding. “If it’s at night, that would mean it’s someone from the village. There’s no way some people outside would come here at night, right?”

“You got only eighty points because you’re slow.”

“But who?? That’s criminal… Natsuno, you’re actually a kind person but you’re like, a hardly impressive person. You sure you weren’t being nasty to her so she’s angry at you?”

“Victim blaming much? First of all, nothing I’ve done to her would warrant this. I treat her just like I treat other people. If she has problems with it then that’s entirely her own business. At the very least, people who have problems with me can confront me directly and not peep in on my bedroom like some maniac or coward.”

Tohru cringed. “Eh… I’m sorry, Natsuno.”

Natsuno hmph’d and turned his head away. At the sight of clear disappointed sulk, Tohru felt really bad. He clambered to pacify the boy he’d thought of as another younger brother however he could.

“I’m sorry. You must be really distraught. Not even you deserve something like this happening to you, and… ugh, that’s a villager. I apologize on her behalf.”

“What you’ve done is your own responsibility, and what she’s done is hers. I don’t need apology.”

“Right… that’s true.”

As another minute of silence stretched, Tohru realized that it was the first time Natsuno sulked to him like that. The boy had always acted more mature than his age, but Tohru supposed he was still a boy after all. In a way, that was pretty endearing.

“So I’ll help you. First though, do you have any idea why this is happening?”

Natsuno stared long into Tohru’s apologetic eyes until he finally shrugged. “Something about some weird fantasy romance some girls like to come up with, who knows? She’s been bothering me long enough that I know her intention. It’s creepy.”

“That sounds bad.”

Natsuno huffed at that. “I think at some point she even caught me undressing.”

“You know someone was there and you still undressed? That’s exhibitionism.”

Natsuno threw a stray candy wrapper at him. Tohru laughed along, pulling into another road. 

“It sounds like someone around you and Aoi’s age though. There are only a few girls like that in the village though… who?”

Natsuno deadpanned. “Your neighbor by the name of Shimizu Megumi.” 

“That right?” Tohru cringed. “I knew she would do something like this. She looked the type anyway... walking around fancily dressed and all, as if she wanted to be some city girl. Sucks for you, sorry about that.” 

That’s exactly right, Natsuno breathed. “She has never done anything beyond that – I’ll have a reason to tear her apart otherwise. I also honestly don’t really care about what she’s been doing, but…”

“It grates on your nerves?”

“That’s precisely it.”

“It’s okay. You’re human too.” Tohru reached out and ruffled Natsuno’s hair. “It’s okay to admit that you’re not as untouchable as you think you are. Sometimes it’s okay to not act all tough. See?” 

Natsuno scowled, trying to dodge Tohru’s hand.

“Now, if someone resorts to stalking then they’re usually the persistent type, no? I can see why not even your icy coldness could put her off. Girls like that sort of thing, huh?”

“Nah, she’s just nasty. If not, then all you villagers are just a bunch of borderline criminal weirdos.”

“Hey hey, don’t generalize.” Tohru chided. “I agree with the weirdos part though. Anyway, get your message across. Probably would be better to show her so it’d feel more real. You could probably pull some act like, dunno, ask a girl to act along with you, playing a fake couple. You go to the same school so you could ask a schoolmate, and Shimizu could see! I bet you’re popular enough to do this. City boy charm, right?”

“Eugh, no thanks.” Natsuno faked the sound of retching. “I don’t want to deal with girls.”

“Don’t just bury your head in your books. Girls are part of high school fun! You don’t want to miss that.”

Natsuno made face at his older friend. “That’s disturbing.”

Tohru just shrugged, thinking that his friend was a late bloomer indeed. “If not then the easiest option would be Aoi. You’re close enough with her, after all.”

“That’s stu—” Natsuno paused. “Hmm. Huh, that’s a good idea though.”

“Haha, right?”

“I’m not going to ask Aoi though. It’s really troublesome to tell another person about this.”

“Huh, so… how will you go about it?”

Natsuno just stared at Tohru thoughtfully.

***

Seishin saw Toshio at Creole that afternoon. He was there for some good coffee, though he could see that Toshio was there for a whole set of lunch; a spaghetti-something he was devouring with every inch of his life and a tall glass of iced tea. He turned his head the moment Seishin walked in, smirked, and then waved him over.

Toshio noted his dress shirt and pants in place of his usual religious garb. “Someone is off duty already, huh.”

For some reason, Seishin didn’t really like the idea of wearing an obviously Japanese outfit to a western place. It was pretty weird, but that was his opinion. “We weren’t too busy today.”

“Thank you for your hard work today too,” Chirped Hasegawa from behind the counter.

Seishin took a bit of glance at the menu as a reflex even when he already knew what to order. “One double espresso, please.”

“Isn’t that a bit strong in the middle of day?”

Seishin glanced at the man beside him a bit petulantly. “It’s not the strongest coffee out there.”

“Which is why I called it ‘a bit’. Besides, that’s the strongest coffee here, if not out there. Your argument is invalid.”

“What is not valid? It’s true it’s not the strongest coffee out there. You’re the one making things up.”

“If Hasegawa-san has any stronger coffee no doubt you’ll be ordering that, so there’s no point in your stating that it’s not the strongest coffee. That’s why your argument is invalid.”

“I’ll probably still be ordering this one.”

“Yeah no, you won’t.”

“What a friendly banter you have,” Hasegawa chirped again.

“This guy doesn’t usually talk back, so I see he’s actually learned my ways.” Toshio pointed at his plate if Seishin wanted some, which the man declined. “If he’s not in a particularly rare sassy moment then he’s just moody. Believe me, that happens sometimes. What happened?”

Seishin finally helped himself to a forkful of Toshio’s spaghetti. “Nothing happened.”

“If you order coffee when you’re antsy, you’ll become even more antsy.” Toshio pointed out. “And it’s too hot for hot stuffs anyway. Hasegawa-san, please switch that with iced coffee.”

Hasegawa was clearly confused. “So… which one is it?”

“Iced coffee. It’s still coffee at least if he really wants it.” Beside Toshio, Seishin sighed a long suffering sigh and continued to eat the rest of Toshio’s lunch. Toshio raised his eyebrows at that, but he pushed his plate in the man’s direction all the same. “Look, he hasn’t even eaten. He has stomach problems and wants to drink coffee on empty stomach.”

“I have.”

“Huh, you’re lying.”

Hasegawa looked like he wanted to offer to cook another plate of the same spaghetti Toshio ordered, or perhaps another meal, though in the end he just shrugged and left the two strange men to it. In the meantime, he was trying his best to merge with the background if he hadn’t already.

Not fifteen minutes later Hirosawa and Yuuki walked in. “Oh, it’s junior doctor and junior monk.”

Toshio nodded at them and said some things upon greeting, but other than that he turned away. Seishin took a subtle glance at them, but no more. Hirosawa and Yuuki blinked at the atypical sight before Hasegawa motioned at them to take the seats on the other end of the counter.

Yuuki still glanced at the two village leaders who sat so close their elbows bumped with one another and had totally ignored other people’s presence. Eyes wide, he turned to Hirosawa. Hirosawa just shrugged, and Hasegawa still tried to be one with the wall.

“Honestly I wonder if they realize that not all of us are blind.”

***

Kyouko was in the living room when Toshio returned home later that day, sitting ungainly on the couch eating cherries. From the other couch he saw Takae scowling. She scowled at just about everything it was pointless to even know why.

“You’re late. Where have you been?”

“Eh,” Toshio just shrugged, sneaking out of the vicinity of the two women to look for snack when Kyouko piped in and said: “Why, Mother, would you even ask. He’s back from his mistress of course!”

“Such language!”

Kyouko popped two more cherries into her mouth, giddy at the promise of another fight. “There won’t be any bastard, you know, so it’s not like you have anything to worry about.” 

Takae gaped, face rapidly flushing. “What did you say now!?”

“But isn’t that true?”

Toshio walked back in, a bag of roasted almond in hand. “As it stands, I don’t know why you’re screaming so much though, Mom. You’ve practically known about it since day one. In fact, you let us be precisely because you know there won’t be anything coming out of it.”

Kyouko faked a surprise. “Oooohhh really.” 

Takae was positively fuming, her face rapidly flushing. “You two! Stop talking now!”

“You started it first, Mom. Honestly, if you’re just quiet it will be as if nothing had happened, and your life will just be peachy. I’m almost sorry I coincidentally let you know that night few months ago…”

“Oh my. Can I have popcorn?”

Not being able to take it anymore, Takae let out a shriek and almost ran out of the room with her hands covering her ears. “Useless children!!”

Kyouko laughed so loudly that she clutched on her stomach. “That really served her right.”

Toshio was unamused. “And you. Why are you here?”

“She’s been bothering me on the phone, mumbling things like what a no-good of a wife I am that my husband has to set out to find a fulfilment outside in the form of a guy. She was so angry she even let that out clearly for a moment! As if it was my fault that you prefer a dick.”

“Huh, really.” Toshio wouldn’t go as far as classifying himself like that, but it wasn’t surprising that it was what came to people’s mind. He found out he didn’t really feel disturbed by that. He just shrugged.

“I really don’t pity the person who has to deal with a cold fish like you, though. But as it turns out, you’re part warm-blooded animal.”

Toshio snorted. “What cold fish? And we’re just peachy. Just ask him.”

“Pssh,” Kyouko raised one leg on the couch even with her short dress, the very definition of making Takae angry at her. “Especially so. He seems like a guy who will find problem with everything even if he acts all serene. Not that it’s my problem.”

Kyouko was pretty sharp when she didn’t act like she didn’t care about anything, not that Toshio was in the mood to talk to her. “Verdict is out, too bad. You can now return to whence you came. Shoo.”

“I’ll see if I can annoy her enough for her to chase me out first.” 

***

It was a little over ten at night and Seishin was lounging around in Toshio’s room. Toshio was nursing some after-dinner alcohol, a western brand that he often found him drinking.

He called him after he had probably been staring for five minutes straight. “You want some? I’ll pour you some.”

“No, thanks.”

Toshio smirked before pouring himself more alcohol. “Find you a boyfriend who doesn’t drink, so you can hog all the alcohol to yourself.”

“You moaned the last time because ‘there’s no one to drink yourself silly with’, as you put it.”

“What are you saying? I don’t moan. Last time I remembered you did, though.”

Seishin looked away at that, slightly mortified. Toshio just grinned.

“That reminds me.” He put his glass aside. “Hey. You’re available this Saturday, right?”

“Saturday… the 26th?”

“Your birthday.” Toshio made a slight face at Seishin for being slow, but then a grin came out. “Make sure you’re free that day. We’re going somewhere for the whole weekend.”

Seishin felt a warmth filling him up, but then he remembered his important engagement that day. He fidgeted a bit, feeling guilty. “Sorry, but I cannot… I’ve already got an appointment that day.”

“What? Go cancel it,” Toshio was genuinely offended. “I’ve got everything planned out. Besides, who asks for a Buddhist service on a butsumetsu anyway?”

Seishin smiled bitterly at that. “It’s not a Buddhist service, but I have to go meet this person—”

“For what?”

“I’m sorry. My parents required me to. It’s a miai.”

Toshio whipped his head so fast he might as well be twisting his neck. “What the hell? Why are you only telling me this now? Since when has this been going on?”

“Toshio.”

“Why am I only hearing this now? Do you want to keep it a secret from me? No, hell, why didn’t you refuse? You probably did, but if it was weak of course uncle and aunt weren’t going to listen!”

Given their changing relationship, it was understandable that Toshio was upset. Seishin felt a pang of guilt at being rightly accused, and he still wondered if he’d made the right choice at all. But it was also true that he couldn’t bear to disappoint his parents further. “It was my bedridden father, Toshio. My ill father. I couldn’t give him a reason to get stressed any further.”

Toshio waved his hand at that, still fuming. He didn’t really understand the notion of making one’s parents happy, but he wasn’t going to admit that. 

“If you’re going to do it later, you might as well do it now.”

Now that was a valid argument. “I’m sorry. I know I’m wrong, but I’m going to take care of this.”

“By complying? What’s your plan, then? I want to know if it’s going to suck or not.”

Seishin was quiet, and Toshio took that as a sign that Seishin couldn’t refute what he’d said. “So is this what you want? To just go along with it? Before you know it, you will be sucked into marriage with someone you won’t be able to love for the rest of your life and everything that comes with it, children and all. In principle that’s not something you could usually accept. So why the change? Why is that?”

Seishin turned his head sharply. “What are you insinuating?”

Toshio laughed derisively. “You didn’t stop it because you expect it to roll as it is! Not saying no is the same as saying yes, everyone knows that. It’s like you actually want to do this.”

He blanched. “Toshio— are you saying I am less than gay?”

“What does that even mean!?”

Blinking, Seishin stopped short when he noticed his mistake. That didn’t stop him from glaring at Toshio. Toshio glared back just as hotly.

“I don’t even know what you’re saying but that’s not the concern here. What you’re doing now is this: you’re seeking out an easy and convenient path at the cost of yourself, and in the end you’re just going to be miserable and full of regret!”

It was then that Seishin finally saw it. “And you, a married man, are accusing me of it?”

It was Toshio’s turn to become speechless. “What?”

This man, Seishin thought, quietly wanting to strangle Toshio. In fact, he might as well do. His selfishness knew no boundary. While Seishin was hardly any better, he wouldn’t let himself be criticized for something the other person had also done.

“You’re a married man who sought out an affair with another. We’re committing an adultery. If we’re speaking about principles then calling the whole thing off is the most right to do. And besides,” Seishin drew a breath, masking his expression into an icy coldness. “We actually cannot go on like this forever. I certainly cannot, even if there’s nothing between you and Kyouko-san.”

“What the hell, you were okay with it!”

“And that’s perhaps a mistake, Toshio.”

Toshio’s expression was full of incredulity, having suddenly lost all his previous rage. “What do you mean?”

“Doing something like this wears on you. Even when your wife knows about it and she’s given her consent, this is not ideal and it never will. It’s about betraying the marriage institution. I’ve never been very comfortable with it.”

Toshio always gave up whenever Seishin was talking about idealism. “That’s stupid. In this situation, it’s harmed no one.”

“It’s also not no-one. Kyouko-san, perhaps, but my parents, your parents… the whole village.”

“What about them?” Toshio shook his head. “Are you saying you care about them now? You care more about them than this? No matter what people do, in any given situation in any given time, there are bound to be people getting hurt. You won’t move anywhere if you’re afraid of hurting anyone!”

“Toshio.”

He was initially afraid that they’d just go on, because when they didn’t see things eye-to-eye they would never will. Surprisingly Toshio had shut up then, likely noticing the grave expression on Seishin’s face.

“Do you realize? What we’re doing now is just like building a sand castle. It might be pretty, but the weakest wave could destroy it. Soon you’ll grow tired of building it anew.”

“…Are you breaking up with me?”

“Even if now I’m not, we have to eventually if things stay like this.” Seishin looked down, brows knitted. “You know better than I do that feelings alone cannot sustain things forever, and I’m quite tired of this. I’m pretty sure that sooner or later if I don’t break up with you first then you will. But you have your marriage to fall back on however imperfect it is. I have nothing.”

Seishin bid his goodbye and returned to the temple.

***

In retrospect, Toshio had realized that he was being unfair. He was just really, really pissed, and when he was pissed off he became outright nasty. 

This time however Seishin’s criticism had been understandable. Not that he fully understood what Seishin found wrong about what they were doing (which he was sure was his own shortcomings, because he didn’t oppose adultery unlike the majority of people) but if he tried, actually tried to put his place in Seishin’s shoes, the man had only probably felt anxious. He was an idealist after all.

By that token, Toshio should’ve had just allowed him to get married in the first place. Except that thought pissed him off like nothing had pissed him off before. Seishin, a terminal romantic, could have ditched him for a nameless person who was to be his wife. He didn’t even care about the sex of the person Uncle and Auntie forced him to marry – it could be a goat for all he cared, but he would still feel like kicking the person who would lay claim on Seishin, even under a flimsy institution like marriage. 

The thought of someone touching him like he’d touched him had him seething with rage, and the thought of Seishin smiling at them like he smiled at Toshio made him want to burn something. He couldn’t stand the thought of Seishin being tied into anything with a person who wasn’t him. He couldn’t stand the thought of Seishin sharing an intimate something with another person that Toshio wouldn’t know of or being a part of. He was a territorial animal, first and foremost. 

Toshio sighed. He admitted it was wrong that he couldn’t just voice out his actual feelings to Seishin, having his mouth run carelessly and attack him instead. No doubt Seishin would appreciate it much better if he could just tell him that he was jealous. Introspecting and admitting his feelings to himself was one thing, admitting it to another person, even Seishin, was another thing completely.

It was understandable that Seishin had been angry. But there was also fear now, a fear that someone he genuinely loved would leave him now that the man had admitted all those things. He would never, ever live with himself if that ended up a reality. He was an insensible jerk who needed to be threatened first before he noticed his mistakes, and he was more afraid of being left alone than he was feeling guilty of having hurt the person he loved. 

He was a nasty person all around. He sometimes felt sorry for Seishin for putting up with him, but he was elated too that there actually existed a person who wanted to be around him that much. Someone who wanted to accept him the way he was (perhaps mostly, and it wasn’t like some parts of Seishin also didn’t make him go insane), someone who could handle his personality and didn’t cower under his pressure. And beyond that, however selfishly – he had loved Seishin too.

He turned and went out.

*** 

Seishin had calmly sat in his room when Toshio sneaked in, the room surprisingly dim. 

The man stayed silent but his eyes subtly followed Toshio’s movement until he was seated before him on the tatami floor, the whole atmosphere neither inviting nor malicious. Toshio hadn’t wasted any time to chase him here, knowing Seishin wouldn’t be unkind to kick him out but it would very well change if he wasted his time further. In a way, the man had been testing him. 

He had fixed him with a look then, calm but expectant, his gesture closed off telling him it was entirely up to Toshio to either make things right or to screw it up. It was pretty reasonable.

Toshio acted first, throwing aside all his pride for the time being. “I’m sorry. It was out of line of me.”

Seishin studied him for a long, really long while. “However dismayed you might feel, it isn’t an excuse to be an asshole.”

Something like this had repeated often. Toshio had always had a bad personality but Seishin would still forgive him at the end of the day – perhaps a few days of silent treatment, but he’d been relatively easy to be cajoled back into his usual loving self now that they were dating (Toshio had learned many tricks along the way, mostly included getting physically intimate). Sometimes he didn’t even genuinely apologize. His pride and stubbornness always got in the way, and Seishin had been easy. 

Toshio had forgotten everything came with expiration date. There was always an end to something’s beginning, and it could very well be his relationship with Seishin. He’d thought that the man would always be there for him, and he had expected him to, but there was a limit to someone’s patience and love. He didn’t even want to think that there might be the end of Seishin’s patience and love toward him.

Inside overly patient people slept violent monsters, about to bite people’s heads off once their supply of patience had run out. Toshio himself had personally dealt with Seishin when he was truly, genuinely, angry, and had been spooked half to death every single time.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

It was unbearably silent for a couple minutes. However, Seishin was in the end also ten types of sucker.

He sighed, mentally reprimanding himself for having not summoned more anger nor actually possessing enough energy for that. “I take it you were jealous?”

Toshio lifted his head at that, eyes looking straight and glaring daggers until he threw both hands up in surrender. “I am angry. If Uncle and Auntie continued with their stunt, I’m going to make whoever you end up marry miserable. Even if I love Uncle and Auntie more than I do my own parents I’ll also make them pay.”

Seishin had smiled then, a satisfied smile. The whole thing had a good prognosis going on but Toshio wisely kept his mouth shut until Seishin came forward and sneaked an arm around him. The lips he’d dragged on Toshio’s temple were warm.

“At this rate, I’m not going to break up with you because we’re committing adultery but rather because you’re an asshole, you realized that.” 

Toshio chuckled. “So you were joking then? About being tired?”

“Not necessarily.”

“Not necessarily?”

“If you keep pressing your luck, Toshio.”

Chuckling, Toshio resettled as Seishin climbed into his lap. “I’m going to fight you tooth and nail for that. So, what’s with the beef about committing adultery?” 

“Kyouko-san doesn’t care about us, and I don’t care about her either way.”

For all his complaints and worries about unnecessary things, Seishin had always been a shameless man. Not that Toshio minded. “That’s more like it.”

Seishin just hmph’d, content where he was now. Perched on his lover and snuggling him.

“Didn’t know you were that good an actor, though. You nearly gave me a heart attack there.”

“Who do you think I learned it from?”

Toshio mumbled. “I should have known.”

“You can’t be the one winning all the time. Sometimes I also get to.”

“A battle of wit? I hadn’t known you could do that.”

“You’re really dense, Toshio. And in the end, it was up to you to make things right.” Seishin snuffled closer. It was late. “Honestly I should have strangled you.”

“There’s a place for that, you know.”

***

“Natsuno.”

“Shut up for a bit, will you?”

“Natsunooooo. Why??”

It was after dinner and Tohru had found himself in Natsuno’s room; a room in the back that had lighting so poor it came off a bit creepy. Shimizu usually came on a Thursday night, he said. Especially when it wasn’t too hot out, he said. So he’d insisted it was tonight that they’d proceed with their plan.

“More like your plan, Natsuno.” Tohru moaned. “Must we actually do something like this?”

Natsuno crossed his arms, one brow raising. “You backing off at the last moment? Didn’t know you were a coward.” 

“I’m not! But…”

This was the grand plan. To be honest, Tohru wouldn’t imagine in his drunkest moment that his friend’s plot in driving stalker girl Shimizu away was to play-act as boyfriends with him right when the girl was visiting him. He said such measure was needed because she had been persistent.

“Heh.” Natsuno nodded up and down, up and down. “Didn’t know you were a homophobic, then.”

Tohru cried. “That’s also no! I don’t care one bit about that!”

“Heeeeh.”

He cried again, burying his face in his hands. “I’m not into high schoolers! You’re a kid, Natsuno! What are people going to say to that?!”

Natsuno’s eye twitched. Of all things, it was a reminder that he wasn’t big and old enough to do everything he wanted. He hated it nearly as much as being called by his given name. “And you don’t need to care about her opinion, dumbass.”

“You don’t know how fast rumors spread around here!” 

Natsuno decided to leave his friend to his stupidity. If he cared about being gossiped at all, the man should’ve had cared more about being caught in a relationship with a guy than with a fifteen year-old high schooler, but whatever floated his boat. Honestly.

“It’s not like I’m going to ask you to kiss me or something so stop putting your panties in a twist.”

Tohru visibly relaxed. “Really?”

“Obviously that’s too much for your sensibility. Who’s the experienced adult here anyway?”

“O-hey, I don’t date kids! Now which adults need experience to date kids?”

“High schoolers and adults? I don’t think it’s actually that rare. Besides, even if age fifteen, for example, still counts as a kid plenty of fifteen year-olds are more mature than their age, just like plenty of adults are actually children.”

Tohru’s face was nothing short of horrified. “Doesn’t mean I and many other people should follow that. There are still plenty of right-minded people, you know. We don’t do that. Why, that must be because people consume lots of bad fiction! It’s why things are normalized!”

Natsuno raised his eyebrows at how heated his friend suddenly became. He opened his mouth to argue again when he caught sight of the usual bush swaying outside his room. Finally.

When they arrived home he had drawn the curtain of his window back so he and Tohru should easily be seen from Shimizu’s usual location. Judging from the movement of the raspberry bush, it seemed like Shimizu had gotten the full view and was clambering to find out about what was actually happening. Natsuno immediately took advantage of that.

“That’s stupid. Do you really think things are the way they are just because some people decide to write or draw about it and it becomes popular?”

“Obviously not, but that’s precisely why people should stop paying attention to it. It’s like a vicious cycle; if you keep feeding something then it won’t die.”

Natsuno stepped closer. “So if you have the power to do it, you’re the kind who would ban that genre completely. That’s pretty authoritarian. Pretty weird coming from you.”

Tohru looked at Natsuno as if offended (who was only now thirty centimeters apart but he didn’t realize). “Probably not that far, but why not? I think that could be good.”

“In small communities such as Sotoba it might prove effective. In a global, freer societies that will be impossible. Might as well just leave things be and let people consume what the hell they want as well as not consuming things they’re not supposed to. No one gets hurt that way, and you cannot impose morality on people.”

“What, people certainly get hurt in this case!”

“Who? High schoolers? Even if say, they try to imitate fiction of all things and decide that they want to try dating adults that way, then that’s on them.”

“You’re a kid, Natsuno. What do you understand?”

A vein on Natsuno’s forehead popped. “If you speak like that again you’re going to regret it, old man.”

“But that’s true! As a kid you don’t see things like adults do. Kids think they can do anything, but in fact they’re still a vulnerable part of society!”

Natsuno crossed his arms, deeply annoyed.

“When kids are involved, the responsibility lies on the adults. It’s the adults who should know better. If they are approached by kids, they very well should refuse.”

“That might be true to some extent, but you seem to think high schoolers can be absolved of all responsibility over their own action just because they’re ‘kids’. That’s really insulting.”

“But kids are kids. They’re at risk of being taken advantage of by more experienced adults. There’s too much power difference!”

“Plenty of high schoolers do damage just like actual adults. What’s the difference?”

Tohru let out a sound of frustration. They were very close now.

Natsuno continued. “Well then. Fifteen year olds are kids. What about sixteen? Seventeen? Maturity is a gradual process, not a notion that says bam, you’re eighteen now. You’re suddenly an adult. Only now you could have actual responsibilities. That’s why a lot of adults are dysfunctional disasters. Nothing will prepare them for actual world if they were constantly babied as kids.”

“You certainly don’t think that’s the basis of them dating adults, right?”

“I don’t. I’m just saying that kids, or we’ll say here, teenagers, possess more agency and responsibility than that. We’re obviously not speaking about things like assault or abuse. When teenagers make stupid life decisions then they still have to be held responsible over that. If you think you’re not ready for the weight of certain action, then don’t do that. It’s that simple.”

Tohru still disagreed with his friend’s more individualistic approach in life, but then he finally registered that Natsuno was now very close to his face. He blinked. “Uh, Natsuno?”

“Hush.”

It was just in time that Natsuno gave him a peck on one cheek, Tohru’s eyes going very wide as he watched everything that transpired almost in slow motion. His friend’s gaze lingered a bit as he drew back, with Tohru only staring dumbly on. 

Someone cried from outside: “No no no no no no! That’s just mean!” before dashing off completely.

Tohru blinked at the direction of Shimizu’s voice before turning to Natsuno and made a face. Natsuno shrugged, “That’s a success. Thanks, Tohru-chan.”

He moaned. “I’m not doing this again!”

“Chill now.” Natsuno pulled a book from the underside of his bed. “I have the new Jump. Here, you can have it.”

***

The sun shone too brightly for an event that had just brought Seishin down. He and Toshio had some disagreement this morning, getting considerably loud in the middle of temple yard that Miwako and Mitsuo-san had to come out to see what the ruckus was about. He didn’t need that, especially not today, and he couldn’t help if Toshio was still secretly mad about the whole thing. He could take Toshio for being an overgrown territorial cat but he hated to be yelled at.

Surely they were too old for the kind of relationship where one fought again right after reconciling but today Seishin was especially sensitive, as was Toshio, or that their sensitivity had triggered one another’s so they ended up picking a fight. It was embarrassing.

He arrived fourty minutes earlier because he was nervous (“Why do you even need to go so soon, huh?”) and because he was a punctual person, and because he didn’t want to seek another problem with his parents and created another bad atmosphere at home. Or depending on how this would turn out in the end, it would likely create a bigger problem with his parents anyway so it would turn out the same in the end. 

His mother spoke up from beside him, pulling him from his musing. “This is a lovely place, isn’t it? Your father would surely love it here.”

She looked happy enough, so even though his own mood wasn’t any better he tried to indulge her rare desire at small talk. “Ah, yes…”

“The calligraphy over there were made by his favorite calligrapher,” One read as ‘hound’ and the other as ‘stone’, two things that didn’t make sense to the general theme of the restaurant. “Seishin, what was it earlier this morning?”

“Huh?”

“With Toshio-kun. He’d come for breakfast and…” Miwako trailed off. “You were fine before, but then suddenly you were shouting at each other.”

“We just disagreed over something…”

“Was it?” Miwako tilted her head, a habit her own son had inherited. “You were both good children, despite what other people might have said about that child. I don’t remember I’ve ever seen you two fight even as little boys.”

“That’s not true. We’re very different people, so we’ve had many disagreements.”

Miwako studied her son. “I’m sure you have.”

There was quite a weird feeling about it, though Seishin didn’t want to inquire further and Miwako had now directed her focus to the flower arrangements. “That one is so beautiful. Do you know that I once went to ikebana classes when I was your age?”

He quickly excused himself at that.

On the trip to the toilet, he first realized a waft of all-too familiar cigarette smoke around one corner before his hand was yanked. “Whoops.” 

He sighed. “The whole restaurant is non-smoking area.”

“Stupid business decision when majority of adults smoke.” His boyfriend and childhood friend remarked with a puff of smoke. Unlike the usual Toshio dressed around as formally as Seishin did, as if he too intended to go into war. His new, smart-looking silver wristwatch was snug on his left wrist.

“How did you know about this place?”

“Obviously, I followed you here.”

Seishin extended a worried glance toward the direction of dining area where his mother sat. “What are you going to do?”

Toshio shrugged. “What do you want me to do?”

“Just. I don’t know… just stand there, will you?”

“That’s asking too much from me and you know that.”

Seishin frowned. “Toshio –”

“Hush, you.” He shushed, mimicking a mother calming a child. “Why are you insisting on doing this alone, anyway? You’re bitter when you’re left alone, but you shut people out when they approach you.”

Seishin stared on hard. Sighing. 

“I’m here. We’ve always been one package.”

***

Right at half past one their companies arrived, both father and daughter, in tow.

His uncle Hirofumi was a merry and plump man who looked nothing like his mother. The man had given an excited bow upon greeting and sat down almost relievedly. “I’ve never seen you in a long time. How long has it been?”

“I believe it has been close to ten years, hasn’t it?”

“True, true. How is the temple? I take it you’re still busy. 1300 parishioners are a number I’d never dream of having, and when you were married to the Muroi family –”

Seishin had unintentionally zoned out of the small talk.

“– Our other cousin in Fukuoka has fewer parishioners, but they have five monks in their place alone so it’s more manageable, I would say! Oh yes, this is my daughter Haruka. The last time you visited you’ve only met her brothers, she was still in Kyoto at that time…”

Yamamura Haruka was a tall woman around Seishin’s own height. She was calm, reserved, hair a shoulder length and from up close the family resemblance was even more apparent. They looked similar enough to be thought of as siblings and not second cousins, probably. Most likely.

Seishin thought that being asked to form relations with a woman who looked just like his mother was atrocious. Toshio definitely would have had laughed. In fact, the man was now hunched over in his seat not far from them, shaking. He really wanted to glare at him.

She gave a small bow from her seat. “Good afternoon.”

“My, it has been long… you’re now back in Kagoshima. You studied engineering in Kyoto, isn’t that right?”

“That is right.”

Her father tutted. “This useless daughter of mine insisted that she had to go all the way to Kyoto to study. She couldn’t be content in Kyushu, not even in Fukuoka! Now she’s 35 and unmarried because she only cares about her work and has no time for marriage, she said. No matter how I nudged at her, she just wouldn’t budge. Only now she obeyed me to go to a marriage meeting! Kids these days.”

Seishin and Miwako stared.

“Ah, is that so?”

Hirofumi seemed to realize his slip of tongue and quickly amended. “Well, she’s like that… but don’t worry! She knows what being a monk’s wife entails. She grew up in my temple after all, she knows everything about temple work. And she’s actually a dutiful child, she’ll surely be dutiful to her husband and your temple!”

The mood had somehow plummeted after that.

Miwako’s face was eternally pleasant, but Seishin knew better it was equally impassive if anything. “Oh my… Haruka-chan, where do you work now?”

Haruka’s answer was calm. Under her timid exterior, she had an air of someone who moved with firm conviction. “I work in Kanoya city.”

“That is quite far. If this marriage is finalized, you will have to move to Sotoba. And you will obviously have to resign.”

“I couldn’t.”

Hirofumi fumed. “Haruka!”

Haruka quickly interrupted. “Father, please. As I have told you, this wouldn’t go well.”

“It will if you’ll just shut up!”

“But Father, Aunt Miwako and Seishin here have been unconvinced since the start of this meeting.”

Hirofumi’s face was almost fully red at this point, making Miwako and Seishin almost feel secondhand embarrassment from witnessing that. Seishin spoke up right at that point: “Perhaps this marriage wouldn’t be in our best interests.”

“You, what do you know!?”

“Uncle… a marriage wouldn’t go well if both parties involved aren’t actually into it.”

“What do you know? You’re a child!” Hirofumi roared. “So is my daughter. You don’t know what’s good for you. Getting married, especially through arranged marriage, is how it’s been done in our family. Is that what find disagreeable from it? What are you two doing ganging up on me!?”

Seishin tried to press on. “Have you asked your daughter what she actually wants?” 

His uncle started again, spit spraying out of his mouth. “She should be well into marriage by now! Now at her age, if she doesn’t marry now who will marry her later?”

“Father, please.”

“Even if she wants to look for marriage I’m not sure if I’m the right choice for that.”

Miwako and Haruka abruptly turned their heads toward him. From afar Toshio was surprised, as if he knew what was going to happen. 

“What does that mean!?”

“Haruka isn’t going to be happy if she entered marriage with me.” Seishin said firmly. “I won’t be able to love her, nor am I able to love other women, because of who I am.”

His uncle clearly didn’t understand. “Now, we don’t do it like that. What you should be doing is sit there, be a good child and just follow your elders.” 

“I like men.”

That declaration burned through his chest and rendered everyone speechless, but now that he’d let it out he couldn’t take it back. On the same vein, now other people couldn’t deny his reality. He too had stopped running away.

Miwako’s eyes were wide on her face. “Seishin, that’s…”

“I’m so sorry, Mother.” 

Not long after, Hirofumi barked a derisive laugh. “Oh, so it’s like that, huh? It’s been you all along!”

“No, Father!”

“Now shut up!” Hirofumi’s voice had risen in volume as he clambered to the other side of the table, trying to get into Seishin. “You ungrateful child, an illness of this society! What are you doing spewing things like that? Your parents should be ashamed, they should have beaten a sense into you!!”

Seishin hadn’t been ready. If there was one thing he hadn’t expected, it was outright aggression.

“Stop that!”

It was Toshio. He had jumped in and caught Hirofumi’s hand, pulling at his collars. “Don’t you dare do that to him.”

Miwako gasped aloud and Haruka was nearly in tears. From beside them, Hirofumi shouted. “Who the hell are you?”

“That isn’t important here. If you keep that up, we’ll have to bring it outside!”

At this point other guests and the staffs had been alerted, so Seishin tried to stop them. “Toshio –”

“Are you involved with that child? If your parents haven’t disciplined you then I will!”

“No!”

Four people immediately stopped at the high pitched voice of Miwako.

“You will not demean my son further!”

Hirofumi shouted incredulously, a vein popped on his forehead. “You will let them keep up this kind of act?”

Miwako had gripped onto her handbag so tightly her knuckles turned white. “You are the one who should reflect on your action. You tried to hit my son when he hasn’t done anything wrong to you.”

“I –”

“We’re leaving,” Miwako abruptly stood out, eyes glossy. “Toshio-kun, let it rest. Hirofumi-san, this marriage meeting is finished here.”

“We can’t just leave it here!”

Miwako ignored him, quickly walking away without looking back even once. Toshio had pulled at the dumbfounded Seishin, following her together outside.

***

Suddenly feeling like a child again, Seishin was silent as he and Toshio followed Miwako to the parking lot. From the stiff movement of her small posture she seemed furious. He didn’t know what to make of that. 

He’d never seen Miwako angry at anything. He thought there was once, but it had been so long ago that he could only remember it in bits and pieces. He and Toshio had been young children, hadn’t they? They had played and fell into the river, the current weak given it was a dry summer but in return Toshio had broken a wrist, and he had sprained both ankles. 

A villager had helped them and brought them to their houses. Miwako had looked so angry but she hugged him tightly all the same, the memory of four children dead in that river last rainy season still fresh on her mind.

He glanced at Toshio’s direction. The man frowned, irritated at the look of accusation on his face. “What do you think I should have done? He was going to hit you! Are you going to let him do just that?”

He sighed. He had a feeling he wouldn’t live this down. “I know that…”

“Then shut up.”

Miwako suddenly stopped on her tracks, making Seishin nearly bump into her. When she turned to meet his gaze – she was so small, he kept forgetting somehow – there was a vulnerable look to her face that he’d never seen before. “Are you alright?”

“I’m alright.”

“Had Hirofumi-san hit you?”

“Toshio caught his hand, so…”

Miwako’s gaze turned to the man beside her son, still somewhat glossy. “Thank you, Toshio-kun.”

Toshio was silent, irritation still radiating off him in waves. He let out a deep sigh. “That guy is a madman.”

“I realized.” Miwako’s hand came up and stroked her son’s cheek, so small compared to his. “I’m sorry, Seishin.”

“Mother.”

“I’m your mother. I should have protected you.”

It was as if Seishin’s whole chest had been flooded, the feelings threatening to buckle his knees and throw him under. “I’m sorry, Mother.”

“Oh,” Miwako murmured, tucking a stray hair behind her son’s ear. “My child. I have to admit that I’ll probably never come to fully understand, and that it’ll be a difficult process for all of us… but.

“But I’m your mother, still.”

It seemed as if he’d returned to that day, hurting and aching with multiple wounds on his body. Miwako had come to him with her firm but gentle hands, wiping his tears away and nursed him back to health. He’d rested his small head on her shoulder, so wide at that time, so small now. But they had been mother and son still.

“And Toshio-kun, are you alright?”

Toshio shrugged. “He isn’t that strong. I could handle that kind of person who only talk big, as big as his body.”

Miwako tilted her head, registering how Toshio was dressed. “Do you actually have plans here? I’m sorry, you had to see that –”

“No, Auntie.” Toshio had stood straight, his pose stiff compared to his usual nonchalant one. “I’m with him.”

“– Ah.”

That simple declaration had sounded so clear, Seishin thought. A simple truth that could destabilize everything they knew, but one that couldn’t be buried away anymore. Sooner or later, it would come out. 

“I had noticed.” Miwako had murmured, much to Seishin’s shock (Toshio’s understanding). “I had noticed, but I didn’t want to admit. I… but Toshio-kun, you are married.”

Miwako had only pointed out the obvious, but as it stood it was also a double layered objection. Theirs was complicated situation, no way around it.

“I realize.” Toshio conceded. “But I’ll keep seeing him, with your blessing or not.”

Miwako had looked up to study him intensely, but in the end she let out a small sigh. “You are now grown up, both of you.”

Toshio laughed. “Yes.”

“I suppose… I’ll let you two to it for now.”

Seishin startled. “Mother.”

“Hush.” Miwako reprimanded lightly, at this point to both of them wayward children. “This is a position as difficult for me as it is for both of you. It won’t simply be easy to accept. However…

“You were both so small, and now you are both so tall. My son used to just stay inside the house before I sent him out, and when he returned he’d brought you, a child of the hospital. You had grown up under our roof together since. You, too… are my son.”

It was acceptance, however imperfect it was. Neither Seishin nor Toshio could taint that.

Miwako had coughed daintily. “Ah, well. Today was…”

“We’ll have to put it to rest.” Toshio waved. “But now I’m going to kidnap him for the weekend, could you spare us two days?”

“Oh my.”

Seishin couldn’t believe Toshio had just say that, but he supposed it was only technical. They couldn’t very well run from home for two days without everyone looking for them, so vital was their presence in the village. He nudged at his mother, face flushing red. “Mother, I’ll drive you home.”

“Yes, you will do that.” Miwako turned to her son, her face once again showed her usual pleasantness. “After that you may go on a trip for the weekend.

“I will handle your Father. Now, have a pleasant trip.”

***

Toshio took Seishin to an old but well-kept Japanese style inn near the suburban Kagoshima. It was a beautiful place, wholly traditional just like Seishin had liked. The hilly terrain of the area provided unique landscape for the inn that made it even more beautiful. Their suite room was more than he could have asked for, and the private bath was a partially outdoor mini hot spring. Their room also overlooked a large pond as part of an immensely pretty Japanese garden. The prefecture rarely snowed but if it did it would’ve been a wonderful sight.

“The food here had pretty good reviews too. Not as great as the one in Miyazaki, but I would say here had much better view. When it comes to hot springs obviously Kagoshima is better.” Toshio might be bragging a bit, but this was the kind of birthday gift that he knew Seishin would really appreciate. He wouldn’t even complain about it being on the expensive end.

Judging by the glint in Seishin’s eyes, he was clearly right. “Toshio, this place is beautiful.” 

“I’m very glad this is up to your standards.”

“It’s not just ‘up to my standards’,” Seishin sighed. “Today could work out not well.”

Toshio’s face had turned sour. “Don’t you mention that. I’m still irritated about that guy. What was that?”

Seishin couldn’t disagree with that. “With my Mother, I mean.”

“Heh,” Toshio scoffed. “I’m going to kidnap you here either way if that didn’t turn out so well with Auntie.”

Seishin smiled, eyes trained at the pond outside their room. The breeze flew in through the fully opened veranda, cool at this hour.

“C’mon, bath first.” Toshio nudged. “You haven’t really seen the bath yet. I have one more thing after dinner.”

Seishin blinked, finding it unusual that Toshio had another thing at hand now that he’d come up with a really luxurious gift. The man was far from stingy but also pretty insensitive, not that Seishin was the kind of lover who only wanted to be showered with gifts. “What is it?”

“If I tell you now then it wouldn’t be a surprise. Now, come on.”

Their private bath was just as wonderful as the rest of the room. They took bath for a while, coming out just in time for dinner to be served in their room. The food was excellent – Toshio still insisted that it wasn’t very stellar, but Seishin was much less of a food critic.

Toshio sat sloppily, yukata tied loosely around his body showing off his long legs. He was calmly nursing a sweet potato shochu as a change to his usual western liquor. “Mm. This is nice.”

Seishin thought that the sight before him had to be nicer than any kind of nice liquor. He was a thoroughly spoiled man today. “Is it okay that you didn’t order your usual stronger drink?”

“It’s too nice here to get wasted.”

Seishin leaned forward as he lifted his own glass. “Could you pour me some?”

Toshio laughed a full laugh that showed all his straight teeth. “Are you sure? You basically never drunk so you probably cannot really handle the alcohol. Why the change?”

“I just want to join in your fun. Is that not okay?”

“A bit, then.” Toshio chose a smaller glass to pour onto, full of glee, though he suddenly stopped as he remembered something. “Wait. Before that.” 

“Hmm?”

Toshio walked a short distance to their sleeping area and rummaged through his bag. He returned with something the size of his palm. It was a navy blue box.

Seishin blinked. “Toshio, that’s –”

“Not a ring. Now, I know you’ll feel bitter about it.” Toshio opened the box, revealing a silver wristwatch – or more precisely, the color was navy blue with gleaming silver case and steel strap. The design was simple and elegant, its size just enough that it seemed to weigh not too light or not too heavy. “You’ve always been bitter about not getting a ring even if you try to hide it.”

That was true, but: “You don’t need to give me this, Toshio.” The watch looked good. It must be good, if Toshio chose it; the man might dress uncaringly but he knew about his wristwatches. More importantly, it had to be pretty expensive. Seishin thought he’d heard the brand name somewhere. 

Toshio rolled his eyes as if he could hear Seishin. “This isn’t that expensive. Come on, you only get to receive gifts once a year anyway. This one is the same as mine.”

“Yours is black,” Seishin dumbly added. Toshio usually switched between three leather wristwatches regularly, but today he’d taken to wear a sleek silver steel watch. Seishin had liked how it looked on him. 

Toshio gave a slight tilt to his head. “Yeah, it is. Now give me your hand.”

Seishin placed his left hand on top of Toshio’s waiting palm. There, even when they had been casually eating dinner in their own room his old steel wristwatch had never left his wrist. The only time he took it down was when he took a bath and went to sleep, and in Toshio’s presence he’d always taken care to hide his left hand under the blanket, or under the pillow, or around Toshio’s back where the man couldn’t see. In cases of sex as Toshio liked to grasp on his left hand (for some reason always his left hand) Seishin had no choice but to leave his wristwatch on even as he was naked everywhere else. 

Toshio’s blunt nails had dug into the skin around the blue veins, blood vessels, a single scar there.

Seishin didn’t really understand his own reaction, why he would feel the need to hide when everyone knew what he had there. It wasn’t even a secret. But somehow he felt the temptation to hide even more when it was Toshio. Toshio, who he’d let undress him everywhere except this one small part. Toshio who knew everything about him except this one small part. That had been the only physical barrier between them. 

“Seishin.”

Being pulled down from his reverie, Seishin released a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. He looked directly into Toshio’s eyes; they were firm but not demanding. He looked down again at tan stark against pale.

“It’s okay. May I?”

Seishin looked up again to Toshio’s unchanging eyes. Thinking, contemplating. Toshio possessed sharp features, bold and angular, but now they seemed smoothed down. Like taking a sure step forward, the man was neither forceful nor reluctant. He was just there, sitting in front of Seishin calmly.

A firm nod. Only then Toshio turned the hand over, unclasped the wristwatch and revealed the most delicate part of him. Seishin’s scar sat slightly below the juncture of his wrist, texture smooth and only barely raised. It was pale just like the rest of him, a small thing that seemed to blend in – but the reality it held was almost bigger than everyone was ready for. A clean cut that produced clean scar much unlike the pain and confusion that went through people’s hearts. 

Seishin had once wondered why it couldn’t be so simple. But apparently such thing had never been simple. Even when it wasn’t his intention, it caused pain all the same. It was just how it ought to be.

To acknowledge something was a fearful thing, Seishin thought, but it was also liberating. Most importantly he realized he didn’t have to face it alone. He knew – now he knew – that others were willing. He felt a weight lifted off his chest as Toshio regarded his scar almost nonchalantly, touching it like how he’d have touched the rest of his skin. When he put on the wristwatch on Seishin’s wrist it was with the same calmness and acceptance.

“You do it like one would a ring.”

“Now, hush.”

He felt that he could truly move forward, now together with everyone.

**Author's Note:**

> This is quite a monster, but I finally did it.
> 
> 1) Butsumetsu = unlucky all day
> 
> 2) There actually used to be a town called Mizobe in Kagoshima, Japan. From Ono's description in the novel, the fictional Mizobe rather resembled the actual Mizobe town even if she didn't specify which prefecture Shiki actually took place in. Sotoba is entirely fictional, though. Mizobe had since 2005 been merged with other surrounding towns and cities to make a city called Kirishima. Kanoya is an actual city in Kagoshima prefecture.
> 
> 3) The inn Toshio takes Seishin to is called ryokan. The images on Google search are all gorgeous <3
> 
> 4) Shochu is a type of Japanese liquor. Sweet potato shochu is native to Kagoshima.


End file.
